raybromley.com
S.C.U.M.
(Home)

Light Bulb Jokes

OK, these aren't the height of humor, but they are humor of some kind, and I stole many of them. At least they're clean and relatively inoffensive, I think.

How many digital photographers does it take to change a light bulb?
They can't do it; there isn't enough light unless they use a flash.

How many SLR photographers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the time will depend on the apeture setting, the ISO and the f-value.

How many cameras does it take to change a light bulb?
Cameras don't change light bulbs, photographers do.

How many fast food counter people does it take to change a light bulb?
One to call the manager to ask about the special order, one to find the picture of the light bulb on the cash register, and one to ask "do you want that with cheese?"

How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?
Four - one to change the bulb and three to chop a hole in the roof.

How many "collaborative learning" teachers does it take to change a light bulb?
It's really not important that the light bulb gets changed, or that the "correct" way to change the light bulb is communicated. What's important is that everyone participates in the process of discovering the light bulb.

How many efficient market economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. If the lightbulb really needed changing, someone would have done it already.

How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. You got a PROBLEM with that?

How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
The Amish don't have light bulbs. They bake pies.

How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None--that's a hardware problem.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to hold the Giraffe, the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine shop tools.

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
What do you want it changed into?

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He holds the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change the bulb, and four to sit around & discuss how David Sanborn would have done it.

Why does it take 7 women with PMS to change a light bulb?
IT JUST FREAKING DOES!!!!!!

How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.

How many Rednecks does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it, one to write a song about it, one to start a fight in the parking lot!

How many Radical Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, and it's not funny.

How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The Universe spins the bulb, the Zen Master just gets out of the way.

How many College Athletes does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but twenty get full academic credit.

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one who says " Go on along and have your fun, I'll just sit here alone...by myself...in the dark."

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just declare darkness the industry standard.

How many City Employees does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows.
One must document the procedures on determining when light bulbs need to be changed,
another must document procedures on ordering replacement bulbs,
another must document the different types of bulbs used in each device in the department,
another must document the additional apparatus required for changing the bulb including chairs, stepladders, etc.,
another must proofread all of the documentation.
Then, bids must be solicited from qualified lightbulb changing vendors.
Then, a committee must evaluated the bids submitted.
Then...

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change it and nine to nod and say "Oh yeah. I could do that."

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being nonnegotiable.
2) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this selfsame document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being nonnegotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

How many Unix administrators does it take to change a light bulb?
Change it? Why would we want to change it? Darkness is more efficient, and if users want light they can easily code it themselves.

How many NT Administrators does it take to change a light bulb?
If you buy a Microsoft light bulb it will change itself. Of course, your power will go out at random moments. The bulb will sometimes change even if you don't want it to. And your light usage will automatically be reported to the Microsoft auditors every time you turn it on.

How many art directors does it take to change a light bulb?
Does it HAVE to be a light bulb?

How many editors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one; but first they have to rewire the entire building.

How many managing editors does it take to change a light bulb?
You were supposed to have changed that light bulb last week!

How many cover artists does it take to change a light bulb?
Why is there...an eggbeater, I think?...sticking out of this light fixture?

How many copyeditors does it take to change a light bulb?
The last time this question was asked, it involved art directors. Is the difference intentional? Should one or the other instance be changed? It seems inconsistent.

How many proofreaders does it take to change a light bulb?
Proofreaders aren't supposed to change light bulbs. They should just query them.

How many marketing directors does it take to change a light bulb?
It isn't too late to make this neon instead, is it?

How many sales directors does it take to change a light bulb?
(pause) I get it! This is one of those light bulb jokes, right?

How many agents does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he keeps 15% of the light put out by the bulb over its lifetime.

How many writers does it take to change a light bulb?
But why do we have to CHANGE it?

How many publishers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, two to hold down the author.

How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to co-author a working paper on "Coping With Darkness".

How many Spaniards does it take to change a light bulb?
Juan.

How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
At least ten. One to stand on the chair and do it, and the other nine to say "Oh, that's much too high for her!"

How many LAWYERS does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends, how much money do you have?

How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to NOT change the bulb.

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else
in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the
bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS
before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be
able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME
CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some
miracle,actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they
dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would
STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!
WHY?
BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... !!!! I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

How many Creation Scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it quickly, and one to point out that no transitional forms occurred.

How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But for the light to continue, send in your donation today.

How many art museum visitors does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to do it and one to say "My four-year old could do that".

How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
The true Zen answer is four. One to change the bulb.

How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One on whom they can fob off the unavoidable task while the other three anguish over how many animals were killed by the habitat destruction necessary to extract the minerals required to manufacture the bulb.

How many UFO buffs does it take to change a light bulb?
One. You don't believe me do you? I've got photos!

How many Webmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
404 (Not found).

How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change the light bulb and four to share the experience

How many Oregonians does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change the light bulb and four to chase away the Californians who came to share the experience

How many gorillas does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it takes a truckload of light bulbs.

How many Marines does it take to change a light bulb?
SIR, none, SIR. Real men aren't afraid of the dark. SIR!

How many Quantum physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
It epends on the room size--you need to fill the room first with blindfolded scientists. Then, upon a signal, they all remove the blindfolds and look toward the general area of the 'old' bulb. Then, when the waveform collapses, whoever is CLOSEST to the newly 'congealed' bulb, grabs it and WITHOUT blinking, makes the change. Also, this procedure MAY require one additional physicist to remove a dead cat from the room.

How many monists does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't be silly, there is only ONE monist...

How many Hegelians does it take to change a light bulb?
None; the bulb is just at one dialectical pole between 'bright' and 'dark'--it will eventually synthesize these into at least some dim glow for us...

How many UC Berkeley students does it take to change a light bulb ?
76. One to change it, 50 to protest the bulb's right not to be changed, and 25 to hold the counter-protest.

How many UCLA students does it take to change a light bulb?
One - she holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

How many UCSF students does it take to change a light bulb?
Three - One to change it and two to crack under the pressure.
(UC San Francisco is a highly-rated medical school with about 67% dropout rate).

How many UC Santa Cruz students does it take to change a light bulb?
21 - one to change it and 20 to share the experience.

How many UC San Diego students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two - one to mix the margaritas, and the other to call the electrician.

How many UC Davis students does it take to change a light bulb?
None - Davis doesn't have electricity yet.
(Davis used to be the Berkeley Agricultural Extension until the 1920's; and yes, the dorms are next to the cow barn.)

How many UC Santa Barbara students does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he gets six credits for it.
(UC Santa Barbara (UCSB) is known as University of Chicks, Smokes, and Beer.)

How many UC Riverside students does it take to change a light bulb?
Riverside looks better in the dark.

How many UC Irvine students does it take to change a light bulb?
Irvine looks even better than Riverside in the dark.

How many liberation theologians does it take to change a light bulb?
None--WE shot out the bulb in the name of Christian revolution!

How many Natural Selectionists does it take to change a light bulb?
Well actually, we won't even TRY to change the bulb. We will simply stop using the room that has the burned out bulb, and start using only rooms with FUNCTIONING bulbs. That way, over time, ....

How many chaos theorists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just get the butterfly to flap its wings a SECOND time.

How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb?
Many hands make light work.

How many vampires does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they prefer candles.

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, can you dig it?

How many Martha Stewarts does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Just one, but she'll want to make it herself.
2. Just one, but she'll spend two hours searching for the perfect one.
3. Just one Martha, but she has a staff of 300 working on it behind the scenes.

How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb?
One to screw in the light bulb, and hundreds of thousands more to follow that dim-bulb around the country long after it burns out.

How many Romulans does it take to change a light bulb?
500. One to screw in the bulb & 499 to blow up the ship out of shame.

How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to do the actual work; one to torture the Federation Starfleet engineer to find out how light bulbs work; & one to spy on the others & report back to Security.

How many Ferengi does it take to change a light bulb?
"The light bulb is MINE! MINE I TELL YOU!"

Back to top Back to SCUM Home Page



web mail users (Yahoo, Hotmail) send to
Send Spam to mailme@raybromley.com mailme@raybromley.com mailme@raybromley.com mailme@raybromley.com

Copyright 2003 - 2008 by Ray Bromley